Deep breath. Unblock. Add friend. Now I wait.
My heart pounds in anticipation as the minutes pass by. This’ll be the sixth time I’ve gone brought this process with him. I wonder why he still wordlessly accepts my friend requests, but I’m certainly not going to say anything to him unless he brings it up first. And maybe even then, I won’t answer, and I’ll just block him again and start the process over once more several months from now.
Within half an hour, he accepts my request, and I open his highly private Facebook profile, which was now accessible to me once more. I scroll through his posts from the past few weeks, ignoring the “About tab”. I don’t want to see the thing that I already know.
As always, his profile is the opposite of mine. Mine is consistently filled with posts about charities, workers rights, political matters of all sorts, and of course, news stories about animals being cute. One was even about a play that I had been cast in. His was full of posts about his daily life, with tons of likes and comments. My posts rarely got any at all. He posted jokes and memes, along with photos of his pet rats and his long term boyfriend.
God, he was beautiful.
I kept scrolling through his posts, dropping a like here and there, never commenting, only making my presence known. I wondered if he was on my feed as well, trying to see what I’ve been up to. I’ve been up to a lot, actually, thank you for asking.
When I had my fill, I quietly scrolled back to the top of his profile and blocked him once more. Yes, I am sure. I want to block this user. I sighed deeply, eyes rolling towards the ceiling. I don’t have a chance with him. He has a chance with me, but he chooses not to take it. I’m not sure why, since I’m not as naive as I was when we saw each other. Maybe I am just being stupid.
Two months go by.
The play I’m in is on it’s third showing that week. The theater is packed full, and I’m excited for another successful performance. I don’t play a lead role or anything, but it was big enough to pad my acting experience.
The show went off without a hitch. At the end, the cast gathered onstage to deeply bow and thank everyone for coming to the show, and to stick around for meet and greet. The lights went up, and I hopped off the stage. My friends were sitting a few rows back, and I ran over to them to see what they thought of it. They loved it, of course! But they couldn’t stay long! Marisa’s got a babysitter waiting for her and John’s got work in the morning, but they want to try to come see the show again.
I escort my friends out of the theater, waving goodbyes at them as their uber picks them up. My fake smile was plastered on my face until I looked over to my right.
His face was illuminated by the light of his phone and the cigarette he inhaled so deeply from.
So, he did read my Facebook posts after all.
I turned and went back inside, my smile genuine.